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Online Dating

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What are you waiting for?

After nearly two years, we release Issue no.6 - a collection of poetry, art, and writing knit by the theme anticipation. Conceived in August's sweltering heat amidst hanging job offers and transition, this issue of andreview weaves together redemptive breaks, love stories, unfulfillments, fantasies, and unfinished tales about new beginnings. We ask that each poem, text, and image be a holding place, and that together the pages offer a temporary ground for reflection.


Find space without anticipation

Find pause without anticipation


I anticipate leftover currency found in coat pockets from last year put to good use this year.
I anticipate new dust to gather in the corners of my house every day.
I anticipate the appearance of old snakes in new dreams.

- Sydney S. Kim

Vanessa Kauffman is anticipating library fines this fall.

Joseph Imhauser is looking forward to settling back into life and work in New York.

I'll get back to you soon re: what I'm anticipating exactly. Too many at this point. - Joanne K. Cheung

The editors anticipate an email any day now from David Horvitz.

Nina LaCour is anticipating a winter of early nights and simple pleasures.

Aidan Koch: I am going back to Mexico in a few weeks, and as is my nature am always building up to each new travel.

His anticipation lasted decades

 Sent at 6:46 PM on Monday

 cecca:  so anyhow, what i had been thinking was this: when asked how anticipation plays into online dating, i think about how anticipation plays into dating in general - getting excited to meet someone you like / who likes you, which is set off by whatever sort of natural chemistry happens when people meet - and how with online dating, you're going out of your way to make sure you're going to meet someone, and you even do all this survey/profile stuff to supposedly know what you're getting into, but you ultimately don't know whether there is any of that chemical attraction, which is not only part of a good date but could/should be part of finding someone in general

hmm, that doesn't even really make sense


 me:  that makes a lot of sense

 Sent at 6:51 PM on Monday

 cecca:  the whole second paragraph about how not everyone has the same levels of anticipation regarding the possibility of meeting someone is sort of the biggest side-tangent

 Sent at 6:52 PM on Monday

 cecca:  setting up the thing about how, rather than anticipate the potential to meet someone, we set it up. so that kind of anticipation (which might not be there for the kind of people for whom dating is more of a predictable occurrence) is pushed aside, and there's only the anticipation of the date itself. but even then, you don't have the kind of exciting nervous anticipation you have when you like someone, when you know there's a little chemistry to be working off of

 Sent at 6:54 PM on Monday

 me:  right


 cecca:  instead you go into it knowing everything Except the chemistry part, which is actually everything, so it's only a little bit better than a totally blind date, which is, you might say, akin to being a bad psychic

 me:  have you been to a psychic before?

 cecca:  no

 me:  there's so many all over new york, for like 10$

besides the point, i know


cecca:  but it's sort of a family joke about how my grandmother is not psychic, even though she acts like she knows everything / what's coming


 me:  well, women in the family do know the most

 cecca:  haha

maybe! so we want to believe that some people / we ourselves are psychic... but my grandmother, smart as she might be, has apparently been scaring my mom with stuff about how she 'doesnt have much longer to live' for half her life

 me:  so what's the joke with your friend?

oh yes - my grandmother does this too

 cecca:  well, i think i was telling the grandma story to my friend, and we were talking about how we think we know stuff sometimes - feel like we have a good intuitive sense about some things

 Sent at 6:59 PM on Monday

 cecca:  and sometimes we're right and sometimes we're not right. all the examples i give are really different -- some of it is clearly paranoia, some of it is stuff you have good reason to infer, some of it is maybe a little more subtle-intuition stuff - maybe thats what being psychic is really about - but the nature of psychic powers isnt the point of the essay

 Sent at 7:01 PM on Monday

 me:  it's about this build up to an event with another person, where expectations are high, hence anticipation?

 cecca:  anyway, so my friend and i were talking about the different ways we feel about that kind of magical intuition, and he was agreeing and one of us said something about being psychic half of the time, and then i remembered something someone Else had said about how when you think about a 50% forecast for rain, that's basically just calling it a tossup

maybe it will rain, maybe it won't rain

 me:  right

 cecca:  so if you're 50% psychic, it sounds kind of impressive, and then it's like "oh, actually, you're saying 'who knows'"

 me:  i think saying 50% is actually not that impressive . . .

again, beside the point


cecca:  but if you get into that too much, we can rip apart the joke and say 'well, statistically speaking, if there are more than two possible outcomes, which there almost always are in the universe, fifty percent chance of something specific happening is actually a pretty big deal'

 me:  true

 cecca:  but then if you're going to go that way, and look at the different things we can try to predict, you realize that a "50% psychic" claim doesn't hold up

but the whole point was that of course it doesn't hold up

 me:  and so if you were to line up all the dates you've been on through okcupid, would you say half have been what you anticipated?

or what the okcupid algorithm anticipated?

Doesn't okcupid give you a % likelihood for it working out with someone?

 cecca:  which is why it's sort of more accurate to joke about inability as "sometimes psychic" or something like that, rather than 50%, though the humor in saying "sure, half the time i'm right" is how we look at a figure like 50% in so many different ways - it sounds like a big portion of 100%, but then it also means that you're right only as often as you're wrong, which is actually quite lousy.

yeah, but the okcupid % only confuses the 50% more -- they give you this match percentage

based on these surveys you fill out

and almost everyone i've met was over a 90% match with me, or at least 80%

 Sent at 7:09 PM on Monday

 cecca:  and i never know what to expect, really, but i usually get a little excited to meet whoever it is, or else i why bother? so i anticipate, i dunno, getting along. but they've almost all been very boring dates - i wind up picking these guys who are just like me, which is not what i want - and someone recently pointed out to me that that's a flaw of the survey, not necessarily me not knowing what i'm looking for

no one knows what they are looking for

they only know themselves

 me:  dating your own self sounds terrible

but I probably choose men that are too different...

 cecca:  and okcupid lets you pick which answers you'd be 'willing to accept' but you don't know what you're actually looking for when it comes to natural chemistry to whatever


Sent at 7:12 PM on Monday

 cecca:  yeah, and i guess the website lets you filter for some practical stuff -- whether or not they use hard drugs, or are into polyamory, or hate cats, or whatever

the peeves, i guess, are significant? if they are really unavoidable peeves / issues

 me:  i've always thought that online dating would be nice, like you eliminate all the things you can't stand and find all the things you need/want

 cecca:  and you know that they are single & looking. that's pretty much the best thing that it's taught me. there are some single guys.

 Sent at 7:15 PM on Monday

 me:  ha ha

in NY there are 4 single women to every single man

a fucking heyday for them

... which is why none of them commit, because they know there are so many more out there

 Sent at 7:17 PM on Monday

 cecca:  but i guess the problem, at least for me, is that i don't know what i need/want! i mean, i know what i want out of some theoretical guy i'm attracted to - be my boyfriend. i want a boyfriend. i think certain jobs sound cool and certain, i dunno, heights are attractive - but if i met someone i really hit it off with, who knows what i'd settle for? probably the qualities i'm looking for cut out guys who do jobs because they are uninspired to do anything else, but maybe they do inspired stuff on the side? i probably dont want a guy who thinks a certain kind of sunglasses are cool because i think they are dumb and a waste of money - but maybe he got them for free or maybe they really are best for whatever he's doing in that picture and i just don't know that?

 Sent at 7:19 PM on Monday

 cecca:  and if i meet him for five minutes and i think he's smart and interesting, if we have some basic ability to connect, probably his dumb lifestyle choices will seem less dumb and so who cares?